Dustbin Syndrome

Dustbin syndrome starts with a sudden unexpected shock that punches the belief system and then passes through the body with shaking, confusion, and possibly tears. It is accompanied by complete awe that one could be taken by such surprise.

To a once a centered, inspired, and “on track” being, this can feel like having the wind knocked out of one’s sails or the life balloon coming to a glorious “pop”. To some it feels like a modern day crucifixion or death.

Dustbin syndrome can be a result of quantum leap hangover. When the earthling is pushed into a new consciousness stage, the past reference point must die and a new reference point be allowed to emerge in which to function from. In an age where there are no legs left to stand on one must learn to fly, having thought it impossible to have wings.

So we ask ourselves, at the risk of literally throwing the baby out in the bathwater, what still works? What is worth keeping, sharing, and living? Asking without really understanding the new vantage point can be interesting, but let’s hold our judgment here and remember that faith and patience worked really well in the past and may be useful now. Faith that we have the new vantage point, patience in learning to maneuver from that new place of consciousness.

“Free bird” used to be a word we could only imagine. Now it is within our grasp. Free to be present in each moment with all the connections to act from the deep well of unlimited, never-ending, truth. Finally, we have arrived back home to the place that holds everything that ever was and ever will be in its hand. It may not feel like we thought it would, since we were imagining from a long gone perch.

We have been kicked out of the nest. We must fly. We must make the flight of the soul to the new land and take as many as we can with us. It is the only true land, no land, one land, and it is what we came here for.

So as I dig around in the layers of earthly skin looking for those wings, I feel sad sometimes for the old days when I thought I knew, thought I could feel bliss, and thought I could help. Back when there was still an “I”, still a leg to stand on.

Legs gone…. Time to fly…..

Understanding the Middle Child-Guru Purnima 2008

This Guru Purnima I learned what it feels like to be a middle child. The older sibling is shining so bright. The sweet adorable new baby is precious and needs help. The middle child, well… they help both. The older, they do the running for, while they are busy with their many talents and duties. The younger, who needs to be guided and watched out for, the middle child stands guard.

This year at the program in India, the middle students sat outside while the new students went to the front and the many older students needed to be close to do their seva. The new students received personal time with our teacher and the older students received special boons. The middle students got sent home early to balance the energy at the ashram. It was such a revealing experience about the many people who are in the middle for most of their lives.

When we were the new students, Swami ignored us and we weren’t pampered at all (at least it felt this way as a middle student.) This may have been a result of him seeing how dependent his first students were on his presence. But what actually is available for you of the middle group in this layered world??? You get to search for the deeper meaning of service, selflessness, and self worth. You may have the grace of going down and pulling yourself back up with the help of Baba and your own determination to stay inspired, devoted, and ready to become who you came to become. You get to see the value in the true friends who are willing to look after you and stand by you. You learn to see the gift in the hard knocks from the older students as they teach you the ropes of the real world A-Z. You get to feel what it is like to try to stay ready to help new students who are only fractions behind and often way ahead on the soul level.

It is hard to feel left out, invisible, betrayed. The middle feels more like you are a step that people walk on to get to and from the top to the bottom. So what is wrong with being a stepping stone? Once you see it for the beautiful service it is, you can take it more seriously as a way to help others while you too are pulled along as a part of the group. Without the middle step it would be hard to go up or down. Without the helpful available hardworking middle, not as much could be accomplished. Once again the larger lesson for me on this path is about how I can help, NOT what can I get.

Having grown up as the first child, I was used to the special attention and I learned to define myself by how much pride I could invoke in the family. I saw the frustration in my younger brothers as I was always four and seven years ahead in life. I also saw the love that we shared because I was kind and caring and willing to teach him everything I knew. Now I know what that felt like. I am the middle student in this Student Kingdom. I received the personal time from several of top students and then they moved on to other new students…as it has to be. I struggle in the shadow of the extremely talented teachers who have stepped into the world under Swami’s orders to “hit the globe”. I struggle to learn how to be a good servant of this work and to find my proper unifying place in the layers of Truth and Love.

In the midst of the struggle is the grace of this Divine Lineage pointing to the source of my challenges and the solutions for each. We learned at Guru Purnima that whatever our Divine Mother, creation in all its forms is presenting, Her finger is pointing to the true unchanging, silent dynamic source…Her beloved and our Father. We middle students need to grab that peace and unwavering inspiration as we work the trenches and learn to move as one middle ground for others to move to and from the source upon. Singing a silent song of love and bliss, may the days of my life be a vibration of healing and hope for many to come. May I give thanks everyday for being given the privilege to serve this mission to bring the Ancient Knowledge to the hearts and hands of the waiting souls.

Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Who’s the fairest of us all?

Remember this phrase from our childhood when the answer was “Snow White”. That answer is highly symbolic when you think of it in terms of our inner beauty and essential nature. In the mirror is the snow covered peak of Mt. Kaylash and the ashen Lord Shiva sitting in meditation. That is a mirror I want to look into. To see the truth of my being... majestic and serene, to feel the deep silence that underlies my human existence. That kind of Snow White brings a leap of joy to my soul.

On the other hand, when I look at the mirror put before me every day in the remarks and actions of others, I often shirk and immediately deny that it is me I am seeing. I throw the rock of blame back in their court and think it will stay with them as I walk away. I walk away, if I am lucky without saying something to add to the mirror’s image, but the shadow of blame follows me home and sleeps in my bed until it bounces back and chinks a piece of my armor away.

Even the mention of mirrorism causes my mind to cringe and an uncomfortable feeling to come over me. My rusty skin pulls in and I yell, “Hey, this is too hard to understand. It’s hard enough to get up every day and meet the challenges of life with half a smile, let alone understand the angles of creation.” Now the poor me “little self “has arrived and shows itself with excuses and belief systems all playing as if I’m trying to get to first base by telling a good lie and hoping no one is watching.

When I arrive at first base, there is a mirror that reflects back all the little ways I lie to myself about how important certain things are: comfort, bliss, kindness, beauty, safety, plenty of fun, and plenty of people who think highly of me. The people I meet mirror back to me all the hidden fears and places that I have refused to take responsibility. The heartbreak, expectation, and disappointment along the way have become the focal point for my personality. They lay at the root of a belief system that I have built to shield me from pain and give me a false sense of meaning. My own mind has tricked me into thinking it’s all for the good.

Each time I feel hurt, frustrated, or overlooked it is the mirror that God is using to reveal my own growth edges. Sure, there are lessons for the others involved. It is often easier to see it for others than for ourselves. I can beat myself up and add salt to the wounds or I can jump for joy in a new way that requires dedication and inspiration to make a course correction for the sake of true happiness. Any time you learn a new dance, you step all over many feet before you get the hang of it.

How long will I turn away from the mirror and try to find comfort and safety in a false world I have built upon my personality needs and wants? When will I step up to the plate and be able to see the shame in the mirror as my own shame that I am unable to stand with, my own anger that I have failed to embrace, my own negligence to get on with the development of core soul power that can lead me and help me stand tall and bright in a world of sadness and suffering?

This is where we get down on our knees and pray in whatever way we know. We say “thank you” for God’s perfectly designed mechanism for our growth. We acknowledge our present situation and ask for the Divine to help us move forward in a new way where we can face our mirror with eyes open. We take the help and add our own dedication in order to stand balanced, open, and ready to receive. We use the natural reflections that come for fuel to inspire us to act with a new step to our feet.

Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all? The One in all is the fair One. The Silent Compassionate One is the Wise One and the very creation point from whence the mirror came. Mirror, mirror, tell it all; how we rise and how we fall. Guide us to that place in us that lives the truth and learns to trust. Mirror let me stand and see…the me in you…and the you in me.

City Slickers

Who would have imagined? Two country folk moving to the Silicon Valley. Hey Baba, what is going on? It does make sense afterall. We were commissioned to hit the globe and make ourselves available for healing heartbreak and depression in the world. So here we are.

Things with the daughter drama took a new turn (hopefully for the good) and once again we hit the refresh button and find ourselves back on track with our mission to spread the Ancient Knowledge and do the deeper soul healing for those who ask. It was great having time to reconnect with family and now on to new friends and fellow seekers.

It all folded out before us and we followed the lead. We found a great little house in a nice neighborhood. It brings us close to our friends in Santa Cruz and to jobs to support us as we do our real work. A place to sing, pray, teach, and heal. We are happy to be here and looking forward to the next creative flow from our inner India.

Stay tuned for coming attractions!

Journey Number 9

Journey number 9 tales a scene change. After one year, here we are (to our great surprise) back in the United States of America. It seemed like it was going to be an interesting finish to the Soul University year. Everyone was taking their second Visa break and to return in a month for the final 6 weeks of learning the ancient knowledge. Guru Purnima would be the official end and our graduation.

When we landed in San Francisco, we could tell something was up. There was no one there to pick us up and we hung out for hours trying to figure out what to do after 23 hours in the air. We could also feel how we were equipped for the chaos in spite of our tiredness and cultural change. We eventually rented a car and drove for safety in the Sierra Nevada Mtns. We had a beautiful safe harbor waiting there. We had left a small bedroom in Sage’s daughter’s house with pictures of Baba and Swami, our favorite alter pieces and statues AND our beauty rest mattress.

When we arrived, the bedroom was still sitting peacefully waiting but the rest of the scene was on its way into crisis mode. We could feel it, we could smell it, we immediately started picking from our new healing techniques to try to head the calamity off at the pass. It kept coming and within a few days, we were in the middle of an out of control manic episode with the key player being a young daughter that we both adored. We kept the healing flowing and her energy seemed determined to fight it off. We felt sure that Baba was with us, Jesus was with her, and all would be okay.

Days turned to weeks, emergency rooms, police, mental hospitals, doctors, family, attorneys, county health workers, her friends, escapes, near death, anger, violence….weeks turned to months. Day by day we wake to face what is before us. Endless surprises, twists, turns. We see how we have been prepared to face negativity and illusion. We find that our desire to be a light in the world has focused its beam for the time being, on one young woman.

Back to the spiritual talk, some say it is a big illusion, some ask what kind of a leela is this? Some say you shouldn’t let family stand in the way of your soul work, some say you are with us in our prayers every day. Yes! It is a BIG illusion. It is so big and obvious that we have to be here. There is no doubt that we are going to miss the final days of Soul University and graduation in Penukonda.

It is also very obvious to us that we are where we are supposed to be. We are still in the classroom, but the scene has changed. It is implementation time and more and deeper purification and learning as we face up to mental illness of the wildest kind in this Kali Yuga. Oh Kali…we see how you deal with negativity. We hope you are there under our skin helping us to stay strong and never stop our soul work wherever Baba puts us. It is all so different than it seems and we don’t really know what is at play here. We do know that it is all God Almighty and who would know better what to do when you are the only ones in the world who can be there for this person right now. Let the Almighty show the way, do the healing, take whatever twist and turns are necessary and give us the strength to stand for Love throughout.

The last few days we have been seeing how the surprise of not going back to our home in India, the music studio, the temple, Swami and friends, the ashram life, is teaching us about how the ego identifies with accomplishment, success, having a sense of yourself as someone special and be recognized for it. We don’t have any happy ending story to tell about India. We don’t have a finished CD, neither ours or the Bhajan CD we were so close to finishing. We didn’t come back as enlightened masters. We won’t be there for the grand finale’. We came back as a couple who believes in God and the grace of Love with a willingness to be ready to face every new day however it comes. We won’t give up our soul work and we won’t give up on a mentally ill daughter who needs someone who cares.

So here we are in the USA. Our light is shining and our life as healers has begun. We still love spirit singing and talking about truth. We miss the family of like minded Baba lovers even though we are adjusting to talking more about the weather than about the nature of God. We have each other, our protection circle is still in place and connects to others all over the globe. Let freedom ring!

Wonder in India

February 2, 2007

Looking out at the most beautiful desert mountains filled with ancient rock formations, old temples, and caves, I wonder. So much has happened over time. Saints and kings, Muslims, Hindus, and Jains, war and deep peace, I wonder, where do I fit? Have I been here before? How many times? Why have I returned?

In this world with so much injustice, the balance seems dangerously to the negative side. I can feel the immense negativity in me. Wanting all my life to know the truth of my being, fighting the resistance in me, seeing how much I identify with this human life, wanting comfort, safety and meaning, longing to be nice, sing sweet, do good things and yet falling short of amazing potential within me.

That’s why I sit here in this holy land this time around. I found a tour guide, someone who knows the way in. The road is hot and dusty, the elements unpredictable. There is something inside me that has always been, that is moving my feet, beating my heart, and breathing my breath. That something, this guide, this lifetime, mysteriously combining and playing as I sit in wonder.

Birthday Angels

There is a lot of talk about angels in spiritual circles. Sage had a birthday last week and we got to experience many angel faces as Sage gave out chocolates after the noon arthi. Later that evening, five angels came to our door. One was an angel from Belgium who brought fresh cakes from a bakery two hours away. Then two angel couples showed up with gifts, songs, and the sweetest energy... way beyond the frosting of a cake. They had smiles that warmed our hearts and wishes that went to the core of desire and said "Yes, you can have what you really want!"

Sage was wrapped in a blanket of love that day and he received acknowledgement for how truly kind and devoted he is to our new spiritual family. Thanks to the angels!

Rainy Season

Beautiful showers and cooler (finally) weather have set in. It is refreshing and absolutely gorgeous. Daily troops of dragon flies, monkeys, parrots, and moths roam the gardens. Yesterday two black bees the size of tennis balls kept checking out the red bindi between my eyes, hoping for a big score.

Along with the outward heat of the last four months is an internal heat. I have come to find out it is a symptom of energy flowing. After seven years of hot flashes finally ending, I had hoped the cosmic would come in waves of bliss with generous heaps of joy and inner peace. Another romantic expecatation covered in ash as I keep moving into the reality of the cosmic and surrender to my personal journey of unmasking the Divine in me.

For me right now it is like a soft feathery tickle that sweeps through my entire body. It triggers a subtle remembrance and a sensation of support... the kind of support that has always been there and always will be. Then along come my thoughts and I wonder how spicey the dal will be today, when is my SEVA shift, is it time for bhajans or arthi??? I had better check the bulletin board to see what is happening.

There is the rain again. There is that heat... and Ah... that tickle!

Silence is Golden

I used to sing about the golden moments of my life.
Now Silence is golden
I sing no more

Ganesha Festival

We are basking in the energy of Ganesha, the elephant headed son of the Divine Mother. He is the remover of all impossible obstacles, the harmonizer of energies, the blesser of all things. We had the joy of watching a local artist create a Ganesha statue, sculpt it, and paint it. Then the decorating began. It turned into such a gorgeous scene with flowers and offerings of sugar cane and sweets. The village has been celebrating for three days...I can hear the fireworks as I write. Even the children love Ganesha.

Here is the Ganesha prayer from Sri Kaleshwar's book, Gifts of Shirdi Sai Baba:

Om Suklam Bhara-dharam
Vishnum Se-shivarnam
Chatur-bujam Prasanna-vadanam
Dhi-ya-ye Sarva Vignopa Shanta-ye

Om Agajanana Padmarkam Gajanana
Maharnisham Aneka-Dantanam
Bahktanam
Yekadanta Mupasma-he

So as the huge elephant of Love clears our path, may your energy channels open and success be yours!